


a little bit of everything

by SkinnyPlease



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Misunderstandings, Phan - Freeform, Young to Old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 13:25:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5786746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkinnyPlease/pseuds/SkinnyPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil shakes his head. “You never did like change.”<br/>“You never did like me,” I say before I can stop myself.</p>
<p>Or the one where there are too many misunderstandings to count and everyone is going a little crazy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a little bit of everything

**Author's Note:**

> this wasn't supposed to be this long but sometimes you just gotta.

_“I think I could love you,” I say._

_Phil smiles. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”_

~

“Hello,” he says, flashing a brilliant smile.

I’ve heard rumors about this smile, the white of Phil’s teeth (“I swear, they shine like diamonds, Dan!”), the way his long fingers clench and unclench as if he’s preparing to rip your heart out.

But up close, he’s just smiling, his hands are loosely hanging at his sides, and I wonder how he inspires poetry. Maybe it’s because I know him a little too well.

Don’t get me wrong, he is beautiful. But not the way you described him, he doesn’t look like the devastatingly beautiful villain I had expected him to be. He’s just…a boy.

“Hi,” I greet before going back to reading my book.

I notice him shift, eyes widening a fraction, as if he expects me to fall all over him. Maybe that’s what he’s used to.

“You’re Dan, right?” he asks, slightly less self-assured.

I look up again and raise an eyebrow. “Yes. Now what is it?”

Maybe I sound impatient, but I don’t have time for people who break hearts for fun. He looks bewildered.

“If you have nothing, then I’d like to get back to reading now,” I snap.

He awakens at that, eyebrows knitting together, “You know who I am right?”

I roll my eyes, “Yes, you’re Phil Lester, the school heart breaker, yada yada yada, now what is it?”

“Oh-I…nothing. Sorry for disturbing you,” he says before walking away.

I continue to read.

~

“So I heard you totally curved Phil Lester!” PJ exclaims excitedly.

“I did not!”

“Please, Louise told me you were totally rude and ignored him favor of your book.”

“Well, maybe he’s just not that interesting,” I say. “Now please, don’t make me bring up your little crush.”

PJ drops it at that. “Fine, then. You’re no fun. Did you do the rest of Mr. Sorestant’s homework, ‘cause there was this one problem that-“

~

Phil Lester starts popping up in my life randomly. I kind of hate it. I’ll be trying to read and he’ll sit next to me, not saying anything, just drawing. Like what the fuck man just get out. PJ has been sending me knowing glances, though it’s mostly to get on my nerves.

Phil never tries to speak, a small blessing. I did try to move to a different table. I even moved outside for goodness sakes, but he just finds me and sits down so I just went back in. I’m pretty sure this is considered stalking. I’m learning to read with the constant scratch of his pencil against paper. I never even knew that Phil Lester liked to draw.

“Tada!” he announces proudly a week after we have sat together.

I glance up, kind of occupied because this may be the five hundredth time I’ve read Harry Potter but the final battle never dulls.

He’s not even looking at me, just staring down at the paper in his hand, pencil tipped right above the paper, ready to fix a mistake if needed.

I clear my throat and raise an eyebrow, “Tada?”

He blushes, as if embarrassed. I thought you said he didn’t get embarrassed, that he was nothing but trouble and fake smiles, just like his father.

“Sorry,  I just finished my drawing,” he mumbles.

“Oh.” I say.

Suddenly, it’s awkward. He’s broken the silent spell that kept us both comfortable.

“Do you like to draw?” he chokes out, as if he’s trying his best to keep my attention.

I close _The Deathly Hallows._ “Occasionally.”

He smiles slightly. “You seem like the type.”

My eyes narrow. “And what do you mean by that?”

He shrugs, flipping his sketchbook shut. “Y’know, the shut-in nerd who is always reading but finds his passion through a pencil, the cliché hero of the story that saves everyone. You seem the prodigy sort.”

“Oh.” I can feel my cheeks burning.

Phil Lester isn’t supposed to be thoughtful. You said he would leave me.

We sit, just staring for a few beats, before I ruin it all.

“I didn’t think you’d move back.”

Phil shrugs, “I never thought I’d see you again. I guess we were both wrong.” He looks so tired all of a sudden. “You’ve changed a lot, Dan.”

“I’m not so sure,” I reply.

Phil shakes his head. “You never did like change.”

“You never did like me,” I say before I can stop myself.

He takes a sharp breath. “I always liked you,” he whispers.

And then he gets up and leaves.

~

When we were younger, you used to say that he would grow up to get all the girls. He did try, I think. I think about what he means ‘the prodigy type.’ I think Phil fits that better, the underdog with swagger, with bright eyes and a bright smile who overcomes everything only to have his trust betrayed. I wonder if that makes me the villain type. I figure if it does, it’s not too far off.

~

Phil doesn’t sit with me at lunch anymore. I text PJ, who takes too long to reply because his government class is the same time as my lunch period.

_We’re juniors in high school, peej, how’d this happen???_

**Idk man. Puberty? A secret witch? Maybe we’re all under a curse :0**

_Hopefully, now all we need is a handsome prince to come and break the curse._

**Speaking of handsome princes, what’s up with you and lester??? ;-o scandal!!**

I roll my eyes.

_He’s an old friend, okay?_

**OMG REALLY!!!**

_Yes, now pay attention in class_

**I’m seeing you after school, you can’t worm away from me that easily.**

~

I do worm away from him.

~

When I was younger, Phil and I used to run around in the creek. My mother used to scold me when I came trudging back home with algae in between my toes. Thinking back, I have no idea what we even did, or if we even acknowledged each other’s presence. Most of the times I remember are just me splashing around in the water like crazy and lying on the grass next to the creek, drying the front of my clothes with the sun rays. Phil was always there, no question: we were those kind of friends.

One time I saw a frog and whispered to Phil to _come look, quick!_ He rushed over, bent over me, hands resting on my back to steady himself as we both stared at the frog in question. It was really two frogs, and I realized later that they were having sex, and that was not, in fact, weird poop coming out of the one underneath but tadpole eggs.  

That was my first time seeing what my mother loves to refer as “making of the hearts” because “you’re only supposed to touch those parts with the person your heart approves of, Dan!” My mother used to say that that was the best way to express love. I disagreed; I told her that the best way to express love was when someone carried your wet shoes for you because you didn’t want to touch them. She laughed at that.

~

Phil comes back to sitting with me. I am in the middle of _Schooled_ when his bag is plunked on the table. I don’t look up and he doesn’t try to speak. He doesn’t draw this time, just sits and munches on an apple. _They’re my favorite fruit_ , he told me one time, and the day afterwards I tried to bake him an apple pie. It wasn’t pretty, the apples were too juicy and the crust wasn’t fully cooked. Instead of complaining, Phil asked for another one when I had the chance.

I wonder what he would say if I baked him a pie now. (You said he didn’t like the first one (the way he didn’t like me) and I am inclined to believe you.)

~

**HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BOOO!!!!**

_pj....wtf_

**You forgot our one year anniversary didn’t you dan :, < i had more faith in you **

**It’s been exactly a year since we first spoke to each other**

**ah how the time flies**

_why do you even remember that?????_

**it’s also my dad’s birhtday**

***birthday**

_oh so i’m not priority i see_

**NO!! dan please, you’re the only one for me!! :* (that was a kissy emoticon ;-o)**

_goodbye pj_

**what no kiss back??**

_....:*_

**awwww yis**

~

Phil’s family wasn’t religious the way ours was. Mom liked to take me to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I wasn’t the most enthusiastic Catholic. I had the faith that God was real. I didn’t have the belief that people should be punished.

Phil once tried to teach me ‘cops and robbers’ and I didn’t like the concept. He told me that the robbers were bad. I was seven and didn’t like the word ‘bad’ because that’s what mom would call me when she used her angry voice.

Once, Phil told me that his mother used her angry voice so much he couldn’t tell the difference between it and her regular voice. He was eight and I was confused at the time, but I understand now.

You once remarked that someone would write a song about him one day. I tried to do that, it failed epically. Starting with something like “Phillyyyyy has a small willy!!” (in fairness, I was 13) and ending even worse. Phil never read it because you found it, raised an eyebrow, and threw it away because “I’m sorry, but that’s just not appropriate in our house, Daniel.”

~

The scratch of Phil’s pencil is accompanied by his soft humming today. It’s a familiar tune but I won’t ask what it is. He pulls the paper away from his face and beams. I remember his face used to do that when he looked at me when I said something funny. You said he was just good at pretending to care about things he doesn’t really care about (you never said it was me explicitly but I’m sure that’s what it meant).

He slightly smells of hair dye, which is why his hair looks even darker than usual. I forget I am staring until he looks up, smiling slightly. I duck my head back into _Sparrow Hill Road._

~

“DAN!”

I turn towards the call: it’s a girl, her cheeks slightly red as if she didn’t actually expect me to look at her.

“Yes?” I ask politely.

She doesn’t meet my gaze. “You sit with Phil, right?”

“…Yes.”

She pauses nervously. “Do you think that maybeI’dhaveachancewithhimhahhahahaah-“

“I’m sorry what?”

“Do you think I’d have a chance with him?” she murmurs.

My eyes widen. She fiddles with her fingers.

“It’s just, he seems really nice and like everyone says he’s a heartbreaker because of the rumors about him from his old school and I just wanted to know ‘cause he talks to a lot of people but he seems to like you more and I don’t even know why I’m doing this, sorry for bothering you. I just-“

“You should ask him out,” I say, surprising both me and her.

“You know what? I will! I might as well! What’s there to lose?” Then she turns, heading off on her merry way.

My heart drops and I don’t want to acknowledge why.

~

The first time I realized that Phil was attractive was when I was ten. He was chasing me and tackled me, ending in us rolling, laughing. Ending with me under him, his face so close to mine, blue eyes framed with thick lashes. Our chests bumping up and down from heavy breathing and I could feel his heart hammering as hard as mine was. He rolls off and we just laid there for a while. I’ve tried to describe that moment time and time again but nothing can truly capture the way Phil’s pale face was, how smooth, the way I could feel his heart beating and in the moment I understood that this is why sometimes my mom presses her head to my chest to hear my heartbeat because it reminds her how alive we are.

I was ten and he was eleven at the time. We didn’t know what love was, but we were falling into it. Phil was everything back then.

It became more apparent as we grew, the way people looked at him. He used to have ginger hair. When he stood in sunlight, it used to look like strands of gold. Even when we began to hit puberty and his face became a scattering of acne, when he smiled I just knew he was beautiful. Sometimes people just are, that’s what my mom used to say, that beautiful people can only bless us with their light for so long. That beautiful people aren’t just beautiful for their appearance, but the actual person they are.

~

Phil isn’t with me at lunch that day. There are whispers in the hallway about him and that girl I was talking to earlier hooking up in the janitor’s closet. I tell myself I don’t mind.

I didn’t believe the rumors before. When we were young, the only person Phil really talked to was me. But now I can believe it, the way he’s so open and easy and carelessly charming to everybody. When I knew him he was like a bulb, the seed being planted and tended.

He had blossomed.

I know the gardener is supposed to be happy when he brings something as beautiful as Phil is to the world. But I couldn’t help but feel like I had lost something.

~

You used to be so kind, baking cookies and calling me “his little friend”. It was strange the way you changed, slowly I think you saw me. You sat me down and told me not to tell anyone, but that you were going to tell me the truth. I know what you said was true, I mean how could it not be? You caught us and I apologized. I know I was the reason you left. And I know I was the reason and I was wrong about him. My mother asks me to this day who you are, she says she hears me mutter about it in my sleep. I made you a promise when I was fourteen and I’m not about to break it.

~

Phil is back today. He smiles at me, a small pull of the lips. I don’t know what to say. I can feel my heart hammering in my chest and I wonder why because I _shouldn’t_ feel this way. I know what you said was true. And I know I was wrong. But I wonder if that’s changed now. He’s here, and he’s brilliant.

“A girl wanted to ask you out, I heard she did. Good on you, I guess,” I say even though I don’t want to.

Phil looks up at that, seemingly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, now you’ve got yourself a girlfriend right? I’m supposed to congratulate you and stuff.”  

“...she’s not my girlfriend.”

“Oh.”

My heart swoops at that I don’t want to know why. Phil goes back to his drawing.

“She was pretty though,” I say a few minutes later because apparently I can’t keep my mouth shut.

Phil looks back up. “She was.”

“Then why didn’t  you accept?” I press.

Phil sighs. “I have someone else in mind.”

“Oh.”

My heart sinks at that.

~

Phil moved away when I was fourteen, a week away from my birthday. He didn’t say goodbye. They took a week and then they were gone. No physical traces of Phil were left but I saw him everywhere. I stood in the creek on the day they moved, just standing. I remembered the splashing and laughter that was here but now it was gone.

I would have paused time at that moment. I needed that moment to sink in that ‘oh yeah, he’s gone now. Never coming back or anything.’

~

Everything is calm for a month. More rumors about who Phil shacked up with this week. He denies it all. We sit together at lunch. The weather is so nice that we’ve moved outside. Pollen makes Phil sneeze but he say he likes it better here.

Then he ruins it all.

“I’m sorry for what my mother said to you.” Phil says

I look up from _The Blood of Olympus_. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Phil grits his teeth. “I overheard what she said. I was right outside the door. And I’m sorry for what she said.”

I close my book. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Dan, I-”

“Shut up!” I take a deep breath and stand up. “I don’t want to hear it.”

I walk away from the table and don’t look back because only people who care do that and I don’t care.

~

When I was fourteen I was in love. I used to think that love was something constant, how you could always feel it thrumming under your skin. The way you can’t stop thinking about them. The way you kind of soften when they are around. But that’s not how love was. Love was sweet and happy, but never a constant, more of a realization. Like “oh, I love you.’ It wasn’t a continual thrum under my skin where I couldn’t get him off my mind. It was just there. No reminders or anything, just a fact of my life. It was something that just happened, there was no pivotal moment like in the movies where the hero runs and shouts their lover’s name as they board a plane. Love was a secret that I would whisper to myself at night just to make sure it was real. Love was a small part of my daily life. Nothing gained or lost, just there.

I always felt that he knew.

And then I knew that he knew.

It was late and I was utterly exhausted. Phil was too. It was one of those moments where we were just lying there, soaking in each other’s presence. It was something we often did when we had exhausted conversation. Phil used to call it our “balking time” as we would sit there unwilling to realize that the conversation had ended.

_“I think I could love you.” I say_

_Phil smiles, “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”_

I sit up suddenly, and Phil does to. I think we realize then that it’s a moment.

“I mean, you’re a little bit of everything to me.”

He looks pained. “Dan, you’re fourteen.”

“You’re fifteen! And I will be in like two weeks! I’m not totally clueless.”

He stands. “Dan, we’re young.”

I stand as well, he is much taller than I am. It’s never bothered me before this moment.

“I thought you would understand.” I say

Phil turns away from me. “I do.”

“Then why are you being so weird about this?!”

He sighs, rubbing his face, “I might have loved you forever. But you’re fourteen, Dan. And we’re wrong.”

“I don’t think so.” I am timid now, the fire of the rage burned out. “We’ve been perfect since we met. We are as we are, Phil.”

My first kiss is slow and sweet. He stoops low so I don’t have to hold my head at an angle. It’s perfect until we hear the scream.

“Mum I can explain, I just-“

You are crying. “SHUT UP!” you scream.

He complies.

“Dan, sweetie, come here,” you say. I follow.

My mouth is dry and it takes everything I have not to cry. Phil doesn’t say anything.

~

“You okay sweetie?” Mom asks.

“Yeah, I’m aight.” I reply.

She doesn’t believe me, I can tell. But she leaves regardless.

You used to say that I would grow up to be taller than Phil himself. You were right about that. You were probably right about everything else. He is everything and I am nothing. We made a deal to protect him, you made me promise.

I thought that was weird at the time, of course I would protect Phil. I was nine at the time. Phil came home later that night with a scraped knee and you said that this wasn’t protecting him.

It’s been eight years but I am still trying to keep that promise.

~

We sit down, you and I.

“Now, Dan, there are some things we need to discuss.” You say, calmer now..

I keep silent. We are in your room, the door closed. I can tell it’s serious but I don’t understand why.

“Daniel, I have known you for a while.” You pause. “And I am here to tell you the truth.”

There is a long pause.

“Phillip is not a good person. He is nothing, just like his father. He will bring trouble everywhere he goes. You will fall for his fake smile and his fake sincerity, and then he will leave you. He is good at pretending, Daniel. He doesn’t truly care but I think sometimes he likes to pretend he has feelings. My son is nothing. He’s a carbon copy of his father, who was a self-righteous, fake, asshole who left us. And Phillip will do the same to you. He does not love you, he will never will love you.”

It comes out in a whoosh, as if you’ve been holding it back for a while.

I have nothing to say, my cheeks burn and I don’t believe you.

“I made you make a promise to protect Phillip when you two were younger. You have done so well. I thought he was good back then, but I see now what he is. I wish I could have stopped you, Daniel. I see so much of myself in you. You are so smart. But he will do nothing but desert you in the end, surely you must see that. Phillip is charming but so detached, Daniel. You deserve so much more.”

There is a stretch of silence.

“I don’t say this to hurt you. I say this to protect you. Do you understand?”

“I…yes, ma’am,” I choke out.

“Promise me this: don’t get attached to my son. Don’t make the mistakes I made, Daniel. He will leave you someday. Promise me that you will remember this, you are worth so much.”

“I promise.”

You relax at that, the tension released from your shoulders.

“Good… that’s good,” you mutter.

~

They left a week after that. Phil doesn’t speak to me. I know you are right but I don’t want to believe it. Mom asks me what’s wrong. I say nothing.

You were just protecting me.

If you could see me now you would be ashamed. You were right about him.

But you weren’t right about me. I wasn’t worth anything. I didn’t deserve anything. I am the cause of my own destruction. Phil will leave me, you told me that much. But I’m not sure what to believe anymore.

~

“Dan I-“

I shake my head. “Forget it.”

“No.”

I look up at that.

Phil looks angry, the last time I saw that his cheeks turned as red as his hair and he was angry over a transformer toy that I broke. I have a feeling that it might be a lot more serious this time.

“Fuck this! I’m sorry for my mother. She was abused for years by my asshole of a father who ended up leaving her for a man. That’s why she hates me, because she thinks that I was becoming him. I mean I already look exactly like him, so that was just even more for her. I’m so sorry for what she said to you but goddammit it wasn’t true!” He pauses for a breath.

The courtyard is thankfully empty. My heart is beating fast and I have to fight the urge to run.

“I have always cared about you. When you said all those years ago that I was a little bit of everything, well, that’s how I feel about you. You were a constant and I _lost you._ And fuck I can’t stop drawing stupid birds because they were the first things we ever talked about! And sometimes I get fixated on the hard lines of your face when you read because I’ve seen you smile so brilliantly and how can you just relax after that? And I have probably loved you forever.”

He throws his sketch book open. “See! IT’S ALL BIRDS, DAN!”

He flips the pages, and I can’t stop staring because they all are intricate detailed birds. And what the fuck is Phil Lester doing drawing a whole bunch of birds?

“I can’t stop drawing them because they were your favorite animal and our first ever conversation was about how you wanted to be one and I thought that was weird that the time but now I realize how good you are and you were so good to me.” He sighs, rubbing his face and collapsing back onto a table.

“Look.” He is quieter this time. “The one thing that my mother got right is that you deserve everything. You are worth so much. And I understand that I’m not, okay? Like it’s okay and all. But you shine so brightly and you _loved me._ That’s a fucking miracle. You’re a little bit of everything to me.”

There is a long stretch of silence.

He is here, sitting right in front of me, looking defeated. You are not here. He came back to me. _He came back._ He is here and now and still stupidly brilliant. There are a million thoughts rushing through my head. But the only one that matter is the one that screams _you were wrong._

I slowly approach Phil.

He looks up, blue eyes just as alive as they were when we were young.

“You came back…for me.”

He nods. “I never wanted to leave you in the first place.”

"...But I thought you had someone else in mind?" 

Phil looks up, "Dan, you were the one in mind." 

We soak in silence for a few minutes. 

“You’re a little bit of everything,” I say.

Phil laughs.

_“I think I could love you.” He says_

_I smile, “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”_


End file.
